Rediscovering Innocence: Lessons from a Childhood Shattered by Suffering
As a child, I missed out on many experiences that today’s children take for granted. Games consoles and Gameboys were all the rage, yet I never had one. Adult-rated films, once a forbidden fruit, were beyond my means as a child. Even the beloved Ghostbusters movie was a non-existent part of my childhood. Similarly, music from the 80s and 90s was a distant echo for me until I turned 18.
Lost Opportunities
Games consoles like the Nintendo Game Boy were a common sight in many homes, but they were out of reach for me. Similarly, watching adult-rated films required cassette tapes, which were costly and often waited until releases were made available at a friend’s house. The early era of streaming services and laptops was a foreign concept in my childhood. My only exposure to such content was through family restrictions and limited access.
Even the cherished Ghostbusters film was not part of my childhood, a fact that it took me years to realize. My association with this classic movie came much later, almost like a lost artifact that I later discovered.
Music was another area that I lacked in. My friends were listening to various bands and artists, but I never seemed to develop an interest until I was 18, when I finally purchased my first CD. It was a long-held dream to be able to explore the world of music, but it had to wait until adulthood. The experience of discovering music later in life, however, has been enriching and enlightening, providing a new understanding and appreciation for the medium that I had lacked in my youth.
Shattered Innocence
My childhood was marred by domestic abuse, which left an indelible mark on me. Witnessing my mother receiving abuse from my uncle and stepfather at the age of five was a turning point in my life. I quickly spiraled into depression, and by the age of 15, I was institutionalized for four months.
Turning 16 within the walls of that asylum was a grim milestone. There, I learned that I suffered from chronic depression. The experience of being a child in such horrifying conditions shook my worldview and belief in innocence. The experience left me asking, how would my life be different if I could revisit my childhood while retaining the innocence that was subsequently shattered?
Lessons Learned
Reflecting on my childhood, I realize that the greatest loss wasn’t the missed opportunities or the absence of certain material possessions. What I miss is the absence of knowing God sooner. I couldn’t truly say I missed the relationship with my mother or father, as such a relationship would have always been tainted by the abusive environment. However, I do miss the possibility of experiencing God’s unconditional love, which would have provided a healthier and more fulfilling foundation.
While I cherished the innocence of my childhood, the subsequent journey of healing from trauma taught me to seek solace in a perfect and more forgiving entity. If I had been able to find healing through God at a younger age, I might have avoided seeking validation through flawed human connections.
Finally, I understand that the world is filled with wounded individuals who are seeking to heal others, often falling into a cycle of pain and repeated wounding. Reflecting on this, I realize that if I had sought God’s healing at a younger age, I might have been able to offer genuine, compassionate support rather than the often harmful cycle of wounded people seeking to heal others.
Rediscovering innocence is a process of recognizing and valuing the pure and simple joys of childhood while acknowledging the lasting impact of trauma. It is a journey of healing and growth, one that can lead to a more fulfilling and compassionate life.
Keywords: childhood innocence, domestic abuse, healing from trauma